Before we begin, this is not an angsty I MUST DATE NOW blog. Happily married. But I have been wondering about the men in my life recently…

On a recent visit to Melbourne I spent an evening drinking beer with a friend from University that I haven’t seen in years. Our friendship pre-dated our marriages, our children and our careers, and we had a great evening not just reminiscing but actually discussing how we felt about relationships, jobs, politics, our futures. Films and music we liked, books we’d read. This kind of chat isn’t unusual, I know, but the friend was a man. And it is a long time since I’ve had those conversations with a genuine platonic male friend. Where have all my male friends gone?

Some of the most stimulating and kindest relationships of my life have been with men, even if we aren’t in touch any more. From the school friend who used to let nine of us pile into his father’s car so we could dance all night in clubs (while he slept on the sofa near the bar), to the work colleague I spent so much time with we affectionately referred to each other as a second spouse. I’ve shared offices, lunches, nights out, business trips with men, with no sexual overtones or awkward moments (or none that I’ve noticed at least…) but this kind of relationship has just stopped happening.

I miss it. I miss the simple conversations and exchange of ideas from a male someone I don’t know as well as my husband or my father. I miss getting a different viewpoint on life and opinions from someone I’m not legally related to.  I need that kind of input because, well, I’ve always had it. It’s only the last few years that it’s faded away.

The obvious reason, I guess, is because I’ve stopped working in an office. For all the reasons that I’m not going to go into here, it is the case that more women stay at home to look after children; that more women become supporting spouses with this expat life; and that means that I’m more likely to socialise with women during the day. It’s basic statistics. There must be some men around – I just don’t meet them. And I’d like to. Our shared experiences aren’t going to be that different, after all. But the segregation happens for all the reasons and the upshot is that I just don’t have male friends any more.

I know men, obviously. I socialise with them – pub quizzes, drinks, nights out. But they are the plus-one of the person that I really know well, be it my husband or my (female) friend. And equally I know that I’m a plus one in their eyes. A wife, a mum… not just me, but me in relation to someone else. Does seeing someone purely in relation to someone else make them less of a person? Of less interest as a potential friend? Or is it back to logistics again – they’re working, I’m not, friendship just ain’t gonna happen. I’m going to point out here that men and women both work, it’s just that some do it in an office, and leave it at that. Where you work shouldn’t be your only validation or interest as a person, and certainly shouldn’t rule out potential friendships.

Maybe it’s the sex thing. Now, don’t get me wrong female-friends-of-mine-who-are-reading-this. Your husbands and partners are all totally gorgeous sex-fiends with awesomely sweet personalities and a wonderfully generous nature. To you. But how often does your husband socialise with a woman outside of work, without you? Pretty rarely, I’d imagine. What would you think if he did? Would you worry about a passionate clandestine affair? Or just be pleased that he’s hanging out with someone with similar interests to him? Trust in other women – and your own relationship – comes into play here. While some people will cheat, most people don’t. Cheaters will always find a way to cheat, and a female friendship won’t be the push. Don’t live out a gender cliché by assuming a female friend wants to get her ‘claws’ into your man. It does all of us women no favours, nor does it show much trust in your relationship.

But equally men are guilty of this. Back in my working life I had a great email relationship with a regular contributor to the magazine I worked on. It had gone on for years and was really fun, especially as he usually delivered his articles on time. One day, he made a joke about Beyoncé’s legs being better than mine (which is totally accurate for 98% of the world). He obviously had a panic that this was an inappropriate thing to say, and, for the first time, googled me. He discovered that I was a woman (my name is fairly popular as a male name in Eastern Europe, which is where he was from) and was so embarrassed that he felt the need to write me an apology. The whole tone of our friendship shifted, despite my assurances that my legs really are nowhere near as awesome as Beyoncé’s. Part of me is pleased that I’d managed to have a ‘gender neutral’ friendship but the change in his attitude stung. Why treat me differently now because I’m female? The jokes and relationship we’d built up wasn’t dependant on our gender; why change behaviour? I think men and women both judge more on gender for the foundations of relationships that we would like to admit.

So, the When Harry Met Sally thing aside, who are my male friends now? They are the people I know from university, from work. From my life now there are a couple of friends’ husbands who I can have an easy conversation with without having to resort to family/school/holiday conversations. Hell, I even went to the cinema with another woman’s husband once, and I’ll have you know I’d do it again. We had a shared interest in a thing that our respective spouses did not – why shouldn’t we hang out like that? But it’s so rare! I have chosen to maintain my ‘old’ friendships, and this is when social media helps massively. I can send jokey tweets to friends, amusing instagram photos and rude comments over scrabble. I can share music I like over Spotify. But these options are a pale version of the friendships I used to have with them.

While I can’t see new friendships developing with men that are as strong as the ones I made years ago, I can and will continue to make these small efforts with the male friends I still have. And as long as they are reciprocated, I know that when I am in their town, I will have a someone with whom I can drink and chat and laugh. And that is what friendship is, no matter what gender you both are. Any compliments on my physical similarities to internationally awesome singing stars are an added bonus.