You think that soft play centres are an oasis of entertainment? you’d be right. But they are also a throbbing snake pit of secret rules and behavioural expectations. Here are some tips I’ve picked up over the years…

 1. Stay with your child! This is a wonderful opportunity to have stimulating play in a new and challenging environment. You can practically see their brain grow with their muscles! Good parenting!

2. Leave your child alone! This is a wonderful opportunity to have safe independent play in a controlled environment. You can practically see their brain grow with their muscles! Good parenting!

3. Dress appropriately! A subtle cleavage and some lipstick may seem fetching elsewhere, but in the play centre it’s basically an advertisement of being a vain and wanton sex bitch. And while this is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice (especially for men), the lipstick does not look good after several ball pit incidents, and that cleavage will probably escape at some point. Think of the children!

4. Dress appropriately! This is a public place after all. Do we really want to see three day old hair and armpit stains? There is no point in dressing the child in their best active Boden outfit only to have you wafting behind them like an old dishrag. Think of the children!

5. Socialise! This is a great place to teach your children to interactive with others, both friends and strangers. Talk to other parents and their children, helping them to learn the rules of play! Community parenting!

6. Socialise! This is a great place to catch up with friends, either virtual or real life. Pick a spot and stay there until it’s time to go. Other parents will keep an eye on your child and you get to spend some much needed time with your peer group. Community parenting!

7. Consider your child’s age! The older children get, the more confident they get in their play. Is it really fine to leave a drooling toddler in the same play area as a hyped up six year old? Or is it a great chance to teach older children about responsibility to younger children? There’s only one way to find out!

8. Consider your child’s age! There is no doubt that young children learn by example. Leave your toddler alone with an enthusiastic older child and marvel at how they begin to copy them. Follow them around the play centre if necessary! We’re all citizens of this planet after all!

9. Be involved! It’s important that you record every single second of your child’s first adventures here. After all, it’s not like you’ll return. Every week. For the next five years.

10. Be involved! Say hello to the soul-dead staff as you sit down in your regular spot! Watch as they place the sticker without looking on your child’s back! Realise there is a permanent mark of fabric damage on said T-shirt! Ignore it and go back to playing Candy Crush, realising you only have four more years of play centres to go. And smile.

Still, they’re better than playgrounds. Have fun!